Shitty Movie Files #3: Deep Blue Sea (1999)

Shitty Movie Sunday (and sometimes Saturday) is a weekly hangout consisting of an ever-changing cast of characters. The consistent is this–we track down shitty movies and drink to the absurd and ridiculous. Join Virtual Napkins each week (ish) as we recount the events of Shitty Movie Sunday. The names have been changed for some reason.

~~~

Our Nurse friend has been in and out of Shitty Movie Sundays since they were invented. Back then, we had a different pasta dish every week. That kept up until The Fateful Findings Drinking Game got the best of her and I was stuck stuffing pasta shells with ricotta cheese and sauce. Regardless, she has been an advocate for Deep Blue Sea since I met her. She originally talked about how much she loved the movie. I remembered trying to watch it years ago and just not having the patience for it. When Shitty Movie Sunday came around, she pulled the Okie-Doke on me and tried to make the argument that Deep Blue Sea is “so-bad-it’s-good. Fool me once, shame on me. It became pretty clear once we started the movie that she just loves it–like a little kid loves whatever kids love–fidget spinners? Slushies? Cocaine? (Disclaimer-I do not hang out with kids.)

Deep Blue Sea tells the story of Dr. Susan McAlester, who is by every single measure an awful person and character. She’s decided to develop a cure for Alzheimer’s by making sharks super smart. Also, her and her team will study these sharks from an underwater facility in the middle of the ocean. I already have a ton of questions. Like, why sharks? Couldn’t you have done this with something less dangerous, like a dolphin? Also, why do you have to be underwater? There are aquariums on land that have sharks…in real life!

The first act of the movie is barely watchable. It takes itself as seriously as Jurassic Park, but it has the execution of Sharknado. I just kept thinking that if they could just take themselves a little less seriously it could have been fun. Give us a wink and nod to suggest that you know how ridiculous this is.

So anyway, the sharks get pissed and start attacking the people. I don’t give a shit about any of them, which makes it easy to pull for the sharks. LL Cool J survives, and before you get too excited, he doesn’t even get to punch a shark while the soundtrack plays “Mama Said Knock You Out,” which was the single moment that could have saved the movie.

The third act is fun. You’ll be buzzed and there is plenty of ridiculous shark action.

Oh, and Samuel L. Jackson is in this. What the hell is he doing here? This is no Snakes on a Plane.

The Drinking Game!

Drink once for
1. Shark Vision
2. Violence of any sort
3. Shark fins
4. Science talk
5. Someone getting in the water

BONUS: Finish your drink/ do a shot of your choice:
1. “First we’re gonna seal off this…”

 

 

 

Overall, this movie made me really think about why I like shitty movies. This movie was bad, but not in the fun way (mostly). I think it’s because somewhere behind the camera were somewhat competent filmmakers working with a bad script. Even when the actors are delivering the hell out of their lines, the dialogue is just trite. The movie is too competent to be bad, but it’s too clunky to be good.

Take big sips, though, and there is fun to be had.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s