Shitty Movie Files #4: All Monsters Attack (1969)

The Shitty Movie Files covers a weekly hangout consisting of an ever-changing cast of characters. The consistent is this–we track down shitty movies and drink to the absurd and ridiculous. Join Virtual Napkins each week (ish) as we recount the events of these shitty movie-fueled hi-jinks. The names have been changed for some reason.

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What’s going on out there, lovers of cinematic cheese? It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but you should be used to it by now. I’ll always disappoint you. Eventually.

Presentation2This week’s shitty movie is buried deep in the Toho Godzilla canon. If you’re much of a follower of this blog, you’ll know I have loved Godzilla since I was a wee lad, and the Kaiju may be the only on-screen presence who could push Batman for the top spot (he’s probably mostly in second place, though).

In what has become a bit of a tradition, this shitty movie has multiple titles. It has been called All Monsters Attack and Godzilla, Minilla, and Gabara: All Monsters Attack in Japanese markets, and it was released in the US as Godzilla’s Revenge.

All Monsters Attack is the tenth Godzilla film from Toho, and it is situated near the end of the first wave of Godzilla movies–in the early 1970s. The movie was panned for being mostly made up of old footage from other Godzilla films as well as introducing a derpy baby Godzilla who is just awful. The protagonist of the film is a dipshit kid named Ichiro who spends most of the movie getting bullied. The English-dubbed voices of Ichiro and Godzilla’s son (Minilla) are grating–two of the worst I’ve ever heard in dubbed movies.

So, the story: Ichiro, this little shithead, is getting bullied. It’s probably because he walks around making annoying sounds all the damn time and his short pants are probably too short. He also wears a jacket with his short pants. He rolls through the neighborhood with this other punk-ass kid making annoying sounds until some older punk-ass kids taunt him and make fun of him. Ichiro’s home life is strange, too. His parents are never around, so he essentially lives alone. His downstairs neighbor–a creepy toy-maker–checks in on him from time to time. He spends his free time pretending to fly to Monster Island on a ghost plane where he pals around with Minilla, who is really just another punk-ass kid.

Look at these two–heroes!

Minilla is Godzilla’s derpy kid. He talks in this movie, and he sounds like Barney but less compassionate. He gives punk-ass Ichiro a tour of Monster Island and they watch Godzilla beat a bunch of monster ass, but it’s almost all reused footage from earlier movies, so they might as well be watching a Godzilla movie because they are definitely barely in a real one themselves. Minilla is also a coward. He can’t stand up to Gabara, the cat-faced villain of the movie. Gabara is the only new Kaiju.

Oh, and some criminals stole a car. You just know you want to tune in to see how all of these thread are artfully resolved.

The movie is a nightmare, so let’s get to the drinking game, which is the only real way to enjoy it.

THE DRINKING GAME!

Take a Drink

  1. Any human character makes an annoying-ass sound (not an annoying ass sound)
  2. Mentions of robbers
  3. Dream sequences
  4. Naming/ seeing monsters (sorry)
  5. Monster fights

BONUS! (shots!)

  1. Monster catapult!

 

I should say that this movie doesn’t fire me down too much. It’s still Godzilla, and that’s cool. It’s also my mom’s favorite Godzilla movie, so there’s that.

Until next time!

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